The Me I Once Was

The Me I Once Was

October 28, 2011

I know more then anyone how life can throw you curve balls, how events can change you, and how sometimes, no matter how hard you fight it, it may get the best of you.

There is a sticker here that pretty much sums it up: Damaged Cargo.

Without wanting to sound like a dramatic attention seeker, I know without doubt that my time in Iraq changed me, and not for the better. Cynicism, anger, and frustration became very normal words that could be used to describe me. I couldn't help it, everything could set me off, for no reason at all, and I really did become the worst part of myself.

My move to New Zealand helped me climb out of that trench pretty well. The slow pace of life and the comfort I found in the friends I had helped me to see that life was worth living with a smile on my face rather then an accusatory and cautious scowl. My genuine self started to emerge from the place that it had, for a few years, been hiding. It was the best choice I could have made really, looking back I don't see myself anywhere else during that time, I couldn't imagine myself without my time there.

Just as moving to New Zealand was the right choice, I truly believe that coming here, to the ice, has been the best choice I have made for myself to date. I don't know if it's the small population, the common thread that ties us all together, or the abundance of beauty that takes my breath away, on an almost hourly basis; whatever it is, it was right.

For those that knew me before the war, I think you'll agree, that I was a much different person. Generally always happy, smiling, laughing, and overall a nice person. After though, I got hard, I got tough, or at least I acted like I was. I put on the butch act and ran with it trying to avoid letting people into my world. I have no idea why, but it seemed right, it felt right, and truth be told, I probably hurt some feelings doing so.

Since I have been here I feel like I am back to normal. I feel like the path my life has taken me brought me right back to myself, my real self. Just as the sea is paused here, its like my life was on pause, stuck in a grumpy fake me. Here I laugh, I make friends, I crack jokes, I touch and I hug. If I see you in the galley there is a good chance I will rock up, rub your back and see how your day is going. None of this contact is anything other then genuine friendship, nothing more then that, but it's something that for so long I denied myself, for fear of screwing up some horrible attempt at bad-ass-ness I was trying to fool everyone with.

As I rediscover the happy person I am, I now find myself almost torn between what I once was, what I temporarily was, and who I want to be. When I catch myself getting carried away I shut it down. I have nothing to prove to anyone, I am me, and if they don't like it, it's cool. I'm not going to be mad at someone because I'm not their cup of tea...to each their own.

So I guess the bottom line is that while some may not agree that I was too bad, the truth is that I was still bad enough. I am genuinely excited about my time here, about the people I'll meet, about the me I will become. Hopefully I can carry it on and allow myself to push the attitude I rocked for so long down deep inside never to surface again, and live my life on a happy little buzz, that apparently, exists naturally within myself.