The Me I Once Was

The Me I Once Was

October 28, 2011

I know more then anyone how life can throw you curve balls, how events can change you, and how sometimes, no matter how hard you fight it, it may get the best of you.

There is a sticker here that pretty much sums it up: Damaged Cargo.

Without wanting to sound like a dramatic attention seeker, I know without doubt that my time in Iraq changed me, and not for the better. Cynicism, anger, and frustration became very normal words that could be used to describe me. I couldn't help it, everything could set me off, for no reason at all, and I really did become the worst part of myself.

My move to New Zealand helped me climb out of that trench pretty well. The slow pace of life and the comfort I found in the friends I had helped me to see that life was worth living with a smile on my face rather then an accusatory and cautious scowl. My genuine self started to emerge from the place that it had, for a few years, been hiding. It was the best choice I could have made really, looking back I don't see myself anywhere else during that time, I couldn't imagine myself without my time there.

Just as moving to New Zealand was the right choice, I truly believe that coming here, to the ice, has been the best choice I have made for myself to date. I don't know if it's the small population, the common thread that ties us all together, or the abundance of beauty that takes my breath away, on an almost hourly basis; whatever it is, it was right.

For those that knew me before the war, I think you'll agree, that I was a much different person. Generally always happy, smiling, laughing, and overall a nice person. After though, I got hard, I got tough, or at least I acted like I was. I put on the butch act and ran with it trying to avoid letting people into my world. I have no idea why, but it seemed right, it felt right, and truth be told, I probably hurt some feelings doing so.

Since I have been here I feel like I am back to normal. I feel like the path my life has taken me brought me right back to myself, my real self. Just as the sea is paused here, its like my life was on pause, stuck in a grumpy fake me. Here I laugh, I make friends, I crack jokes, I touch and I hug. If I see you in the galley there is a good chance I will rock up, rub your back and see how your day is going. None of this contact is anything other then genuine friendship, nothing more then that, but it's something that for so long I denied myself, for fear of screwing up some horrible attempt at bad-ass-ness I was trying to fool everyone with.

As I rediscover the happy person I am, I now find myself almost torn between what I once was, what I temporarily was, and who I want to be. When I catch myself getting carried away I shut it down. I have nothing to prove to anyone, I am me, and if they don't like it, it's cool. I'm not going to be mad at someone because I'm not their cup of tea...to each their own.

So I guess the bottom line is that while some may not agree that I was too bad, the truth is that I was still bad enough. I am genuinely excited about my time here, about the people I'll meet, about the me I will become. Hopefully I can carry it on and allow myself to push the attitude I rocked for so long down deep inside never to surface again, and live my life on a happy little buzz, that apparently, exists naturally within myself.  

Birthdays and blizzards

Blizzards and Birthdays

Wednesday Oct 26^th, 2011

3:45PM

Yesterday was my birthday. Generally, I tend to make plans that always fall through on my birthday, so I wasn't really banking on anything major going on down here in celebration. I had invited some friends from Scott Base (Kiwi Base), told a few people I was going to have a PJ Pub crawl, and that was about it.

My day started with egg line, of course. I wasn't very busy at first so I had some time to catch up with some people I had not seen in a few days. One, who's name has escaped me, does the South Pole Traverse. It's a fuel/supply run down to the south pole, I think. Basically, it's a bunch of guys driving all the way across Antarctica, for a month. Nothing around but flat white, being guided by GPS. Totally crazy stuff!!!!

Anyway, I asked him where he had been hiding, and if my eggs were really so bad that he just had decided to flake out on me. We joked, I cooked his 7 eggs, and I told him it was my birthday. He in turn wished me a happy one, of course, and his smile alone set the mood of the day. So genuine, so real, so compassionate. That very smile will remain in my mind forever, I am quite sure of it. Along with many others I received yesterday.

Around lunch time I had to take out the trash. Pretty normal stuff. But when I threw up the door of the loading dock to dump cans, the whole station was in a haze of huge white snow. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, since it is Antarctica, however, it snows very little here in the grand scheme of things. Usually what we get is ice being blown up and around. This was proper fat white fluffy snowflakes. Instantly I reverted back to a 5 year old! I just laughed, jumping up and down, spitting out “it's never snowed on my birthday before!”

Bill, AKA Panda, the guy taking the trash out with me just stood there, laughed and enjoyed the spectacle I was creating. We went back in and finished up work, with many more best of birthday wishes, and our day wrapped up pretty quick. Then it was time to rest up and get ready to go out.

Rest I did, here I am a huge fan of naps. They really are pretty awesome.

I went to one of the bars here called Southern. It's a cool little place really. When you go in early you may as well be in a bar in the middle of nowhere Montana or something because it's a bunch of bearded, old men in plaid and carhartts. It's pretty awesome to see. It was just a few of us that were there so we had a few drinks. Eventually, the gang rocked up, and all in all there were 5 people in the bar that night who were celebrating their birthday. Three from the kitchen, one from supply, and one a Kiwi soldier who is here doing some kind of engineering for a few weeks.

We all just moved about the bar chatting, laughing and celebrating, everyone was mellow and cool, nothing but big smiles and lots of hugs and laughter. All in all, the best that someone can ask for on their birthday. An abundance of genuine love.

Thanks to Snowball....I have friends

KillKenny, Kiwis, and C-17 Pilots.

Part of the fun of this place is the people you meet. While to most of you I may seem traveled, placing me in that same category seems almost sacrilegious in comparison to a majority of the people here. One guy on one of my shuttles has worked on every continent, Antarctica was the last one he needed to step foot on, and has spent the past 5 years as the climbing master for Denali National Park. Others have worked in every imaginable place you could create, doing any job that you could imagine.

I have had the good fortune to meet some really amazing people so far. Even my little group of friends, whom I have been with since Denver, are all very different and have taken totally insane paths through this world. It's no wonder that we all fell off of the map and ended up here together. I couldn't imagine any better people to be with. From someone working for a traveling santa, to a dive instructor living in the Keys, to intellectuals, to chefs and rafting guides. We all are so different that we find ourselves fitting together like a puzzle finally complete.

We have laughed together for each part of this journey thus far. Once the time came for our “bag drag” we goofed off at the air field all decked out in our ECW gear (extreme cold weather) buzzing off our mutual excitement. Also flying with us were members of the military, mostly Air Force, and several participants of Scott Base, the New Zealand ice station. Snowball became an instant star, and I probably became labeled as the biggest geek to ever walk the earth because of his constant presence.

A leg of our journey was a 5 ½ hour flight on a C-17 from New Zealand to here. The crew was US Air Force, some National Guard, some full time, all cool. After a few hours they opened up the cockpit for us each to go up into and check out. True to form, I brought Snowball with me. We were lucky, we were sat in the second row, so we were able to move around rather freely and check everything out. A few Kiwi's sat behind me whom I shared frequent smiles with, being too big of a coward to just strike up a conversation, although with the engine and the ear plugs a conversation would have been a bit difficult.

We landed, we freaked out at the beauty, we settled in, and we went to work the next day. I work the AM shift, so 430am-230pm. Every other day or two I work the egg line. Fresh eggs, omelets and scrambles made for the growing population. I've learned a few names, and thanks to name tags, they all seem to know mine. One morning, a super cute clean cut guy says to me, “Julie, how are you? You're awfully quiet this morning.” I laughed and told him I was busy thinking about all the cool things I was going to do on my day off the next day. We started talking and I asked what exactly he did down here. He was a C-17 Pilot.

No Shit!? Was about all I could manage to say. “Were you my pilot?” I asked, “I don't know, when did you get here?” was his reply. “I have no idea” was my honest answer haha. He asked if I got to tour a cockpit on my flight in and I told him that not only did I get inside, but my stuffed bunny Snowball also got to check it out. Suddenly he burst out laughing, “I totally remember you!!” Snowball, the famous world traveler makes another friend. Today he told me it was his time to go, they rotate for about 6 weeks then return to their permanent duty station. It was sad news to be sure. I had grown used to having him around, and our wee chats in the morning, sharing jokes as we pass each other in the halls. I still don't know his name, I know he was a Major, so I always just called him Sir. Last night I told him I still found it really weird to have the conversations I did with him because of his rank, I couldn't quite get it out of my head. His crew just laughed, told me it was ok, and that they too had a hard time with it but it was all good. Hopefully some of his crew will still be around. So today at lunch, when he told me he was leaving, I ran upstairs and got Snowball so I could take a picture of them all together, and they loved it! Haha.

As mentioned, Scott Base is the Kiwi polar station, it's only about a 10 minute drive away, or an hour and a half hike. It's a tenth of the size of McMurdo, and while we currently have a population of about 850, they sit at 58. The Kiwi's can come here anytime they want, but we need an invitation to visit them. On Thursdays they have American night at their pub, so last night a few of us decided to go check it out. Wow! So different!!

Our base is set up much like a small town, lots of buildings with roads and stop signs, recycling dumpsters, loaders, heavy equipment everywhere. Scott base is a jigsaw puzzle of converted mil-vans, connected by hallways, on the edge of the water like us, but with a much better view. The other day a few of their chefs came to visit us in the kitchen to check it out, and a tall skinny guy saw me and stopped, then yells, oh yeah hey! I remember you. I was in the process of taking out the trash so I offered him my wrist to shake as a substitute for the hand he offered me. I'm James he chirped, I remember you from the flight! And your wee bunny. (snowball strikes again) So you need an invite to go to their base outside of American night, and everyone is quite keen to spend some time over there, so I was pretty stoked, when on my second or third day of work, while taking out the trash, the new chef James yells in my direction once I returned from taking out the trash, Oh yeah, Julie gets an invite for sure! All I hear was my name and invite though so I turned and waited for someone to explain what just happened. We all just sort of looked at each other. I was like what? And one of my bosses said don't worry about it, we're just talking about you. I just laughed, said ok, and returned to work.

I must have made a decent impression because while at Scott Base last night a guy who I had never met asked, hey you're a chef yeah? I've heard about you. Haha I was like how the hell have you heard about me? Apparently one of their chefs thought my little display of misunderstanding while taking out the trash was funny to her, and her and I had talked a bit in the bar earlier. She gave me a tour of their kitchen, which is TINY compared to ours, and most restaurant kitchens really. I asked if it would be cool if I came by sometime on my day off to cook with her and she was well keen.

So we all hung out, drank beers, met new people, and enjoyed ourselves. They are notorious for having a better beer selection then us and true to legend that they did. KillKenny in a can, but KillKenny none the less. I spotted the beer I loved just after I noticed the tall handsome Kiwi that I shared smiles with on the plane. And of course, I was too much of a coward to just go up and talk with him. So I popped around the bar, having fun with my friends, making new ones, and eventually just rocked up and was like hey mate, remember me?

He did, we properly introduced ourselves and our job descriptions and such, and he asked where snowball was, hahaha, snowball strikes again. So we talked, and I met another woman who has worked with him for a few years, but who is American from Montana. They will leave on Sunday to a field camp 500 miles away out in the middle of nowhere until February. As the KillKennys continued down smooth my words became a bit smoother, as well as my delivery haha.

Hope this doesn't become habit!

The Best of Intentions

The Best of Intentions:

I set out on this journey with the best of intentions to write as often as possible, to make an effort to show all of you the beauty of this place through what was written. Clearly that has been rather difficult to do. Not difficult because of other things taking priority, not because of work or being crazy out of control busy, rather, I find it difficult to put into words what I see. This place was obviously created to be seen, and nothing else.

I can take a picture of the mountains, of the ice, of the snow, the sky; anything. I can write about all that I see, in the most acute detail, making it very clear, but truth be told it would never do it justice. If God created the heavens and the earth then He created this place as His refuge.

A piercing wind can howl through the sky carrying with it flutters of snow and ice that sting your face and burn your eyes, your ears can quite literally freeze in seconds, and your skin will remain wind chapped and red for the next hour as a result. The sky is often gray and hidden, casting a dim light on the white which you see all around you. Mountains surround us attempting to break free from the ice baring their brown skin of dirt and rock, an effort almost wasted, except for the brown burlap that seems to be beneath the snow on an occasional mountain.

The other day I walked to Hut Point. It's a shelter that was built 100 years ago for those who sailed in and chose to stay and explore. The walk alone was beautiful, getting out of our little town and seeing more of the surrounding beauty. As the sun will never go all the way down while we are here, the sky looked like an early summer afternoon, with oranges and purples in the sky and bright white clouds glowing in the sun. The snow crunched beneath our feet as we walked the short walk to the edge of our world. From the hut you can see the sea ice, locked in place with the cold, still as anything I have ever seen. I took a short detour up a little ridge off to the right, to see the view from a bit of a higher vantage point. As the crunch of ice and snow was present, and the fog of my breath clouded my sunglasses, when I reached the top of the hill my breath left me, my heart stopped, and I felt God.

A vast expanse of ocean lay before me, with white mountains in the distance, the sun shining off of the ice and suddenly I knew what real beauty was. The only sound was the wind in my ears, and the sound of ice hitting my jacket. The world stood still. You could see the currents and tides trapped in the ice, the sea clearly fighting its perpetual stillness. The world had been put on pause. Farther off to the right was an area of ice that was shooting up from the flat surface, what I now know to be pressure ridges, areas of the ice that have been pushed farther and farther up from the ice shelf due to water underneath it's surface. When not frozen it would be a beach, now it was just a rough cove of softly coated sharp ice.

It's dry, it's harsh, its windy, and obviously, it's cold; it is also one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I haven't gotten out much, I haven't seen all the sights yet, but the adventure is calling me, I can hear it ring in my ears, I can feel it's pull on my senses.

This truly is a place that is meant to be seen, to be felt, to be experienced at a level that will impact you, that will change you, that will help you to find yourself. One can't see what I see everyday and not feel something, not be amazed, not feel humbled.

Soon the winds will slow, the snow and ice will melt, and the true adventure will begin. And I can't wait.

Rollin Down the Strip

Tuesday October 4^th, 11:00

Rollin Down the Strip:

As much as I love New Zealand I have to admit that I am quite glad to be leaving it. We enjoyed our time there, and filled it with as much fun stuff as we could find, and afford, but we are all here for a greater goal, Antarctica.

We meandered around Christchurch for the first few days, got issued gear, did the normal stuff, and upon the 615 bag drag were informed that we were delayed another 3 hours. 3 hours later we were told our flight was canceled. One more day to entertain ourselves.

Our kitchen crew, plus one (an electrician), all went out to breakfast, were treated like rock stars, went whiskey/scotch tasting, then went bowling. Good times. Grabbed some dinner, went back to our hotels where we once again went over our bags, started movies respectively and probably passed out 15 minutes into them.

This morning we made it.

Now I find myself on a forward facing seat in the second row of a C-17. A bag lunch has been issued to each of us, including the reserve crew who is operating the flight. With a very entertaining safety display, much like that on a commercial airliner, but with some goofy ginger exaggerating every movement, we found ourselves rolling down the flight line. I held back the desire to start singing C-130 Rolling Down the strip. So, we are at cruising altitude, reading, writing or sleeping, and eagerly awaiting our destination, meanwhile, with the best seat in town because the radio man is sitting right in front of us, facing towards us, and man is he hot. Haha

The kitchen so far though seems like it's going to be a very eclectic and fun group of people that really should have no issues at all getting along. Hopefully that is the case and we don't find ways to bother each other to new levels.

So, I suppose I will just kick back, find a way to entertain myself, and pray we don't boomerang, which is get all the way there and have to turn back due to some unforeseen event that we weren't aware of until we attempt our decent. The record of boomerangs is 7, that's 7 ten hour flights, no thank you. But like I said, at least I have a good view.

Flying

September 30, 2011; 8:40PM

For someone who travels as much as I seem to, you'd think I would be better at flying.

We are on a little two seat, per side plane, that seems to be hitting speed bumps in the sky like a little kid learning how to skateboard; hitting every pebble on the sidewalk. Not a fan.

After 7 hours at Denver International, we are finally on our plane. An hour delay, and several extra beers later (not within that hour, I mean overall) we are finally on our way to LA. I am pretty much horrified at the fact that I still need to land three more times, and take off two more times, before I get to be still and not have to worry about my somewhat recently acquired phobia.

As I look around the cabin everyone seems to be totally ok with the fact that we are popping around left and right in the air. Although, after all these miles I have covered in the sky, I know I don't have to worry until they call of the beverage service, so far we are all good.

It does make it worth it though, when you get the chance to look out the window and see the world in a steady calm that seems so unlike the reality on the ground. Little villages of light tucked into blackness below, and random stars above that have led explorers in the past and are there to remind you that it will all be alright. With the steady pace of music in my ear and my eyes closed tight I will eventually wake to find that it is indeed all over, and I am standing on the continent that so few have, and that I have dreamt about for so long.

Taking a Break

28 September 2011; 12:00PM

So it's day two of orientation and I am on a quick break.

You really couldn't ask for a more beautiful day to be sitting under a tree.

So far everything is great. The first night at the hotel was pretty uneventful, there were a few faces that clearly were looking to engage someone, hopeful that they too were new to the program. But the next morning it was all pretty obvious. As we waited for our busses at 7am, some smoking, some listening to their ipods, we all manged to find each other.

The first day was pretty quick. We all just double checked our paperwork, got our per diem, and took a ServeSafe class. We were let out way early, our group anyway, because we had nothing left to do, so, we went back to the hotel. It was a beautiful day, and everyone was pretty eager to get to know each other.

I ran to a store with a woman who will be a dinning room attendant, hit up Target and scored some cheap polarized sunglasses, which was the last thing on the list left to buy. When I got back, some people were already in the pool, and already a 12 pack down. So I hiked down to the store to get more supplies.

We were in or around the pool, having a few beers, ordering pizza, and getting to know who we will spend the next 6 months with, until about 10pm. It was awesome. Our boss hung out with all of us, and it's his first time down to the ice as well. There are only three people that have been down before, so they were there to answer some of our questions and give us a few pointers, and some stories, about what to expect.

Today we all woke up a bit fuzzy to say the least.

Each of us feels a little bad because we are trying to find our way through buildings full of people who are just doing their jobs. We are unsure of where we are supposed to be, and who exactly is part of our groups, but for the most part, it's all going pretty smooth. Many people are returning, so they know the ropes, but in other groups. It's pretty amazing to see how many people are here doing this, and we are only one small part of a bigger picture.

But, the day is almost over, all the briefings and paperwork, and security stuff finished up. I can say that without a doubt, I have a feeling all of us are going to get along just fine. We all have likenesses that would be hard to find in any other line of work. I think that our being here in and of itself is a pretty good sign. Obviously we are all looking for something different, looking to experience something, and looking to be part of something greater then ourselves.

So, now off to the travel brief to get my tickets for the rest of the trip. It's all very military.  

Leaving

September 26^th, 2011; 1:05pm

So this is it, the adventure begins.

I decided to write this because it seems like the easiest way to keep in touch with those who want to be kept in touch with. I'm quite sure that many people really aren't interested in this at all, but I figure, it will keep everyone informed, and also help me to maintain my sanity.

I'm sitting in a restaurant at the airport looking out at the Silicon Valley, the place that has always been home, even though I have spent very little time here as an adult.

The scenes have become very familiar in the last year, but I'm quite sure, when I return it, will all look very different; yet again. Sure I will miss it, as I will miss all of you, but I can honestly say that I don't belong here. I'm not quite sure where that place will be that I finally settle, but I know that there is an entire world to experience before that time comes.

I have chased this specific brand of adventure (Antarctica) for a long time now. For years I have been dreaming of experiencing life on the ice, and now it's in my fingertips. While I'm still not totally excited, I can feel the butterflies flutter around in my stomach, I can feel my brain reeling, and the anxiousness that accompanies travel is present. Excitement will kick in when it decides to, when that will be I can't tell you.

The connections I have made this past year I think are more significant then many others. Most of you I have known throughout my life, but we have learned who each other is in this past year. Some of us have grown closer while many of us discovered that we are no longer the same person we once were. To those, I can only say, that our friendship ran it's course and served it's purpose, none of us would be the same person without the influence we shared with each other. Either way, no matter which side of that you are on, I love you and will think of you all daily, as I have done my entire life. While I may be absent, you all exist in my thoughts and prayers, always.

Buddha says: The destination of life doesn't matter, that life is a journey, and without pain, how could we ever expect to grow? So, I suppose this is me, embracing the unknown changes of life, feeling the pain of your absence, and carrying it with me each day as I try to become a better person.

Each one of you are in my thoughts, my prayers, and in every beat of me. I will never forget you, you are the reason I am who I am. Hopefully a person that you can think of fondly and enjoy the moments with.

So, here I go, off on a new path, a great adventure, and the next chapter of my life. Hopefully it will entertain you as I am sure it will entertain me haha.