Winter is here

As the summer season draws to an end the winter swiftly approaches bringing it's flurry and fury of wind, snow, cold and darkness, I can look back on the past five months of my life and be certain I've made the right choice by coming here. I couldn't imagine my life being any different then it is now. There are hesitations and reservations about the winter and what it will have in store for me, but the experience that I'm about to embark on is one that I look towards with excitement.

The people I have met down here are unlike any I have ever met before. I liken the connection with one another to the camaraderie you find in the military. There is the common tie that binds to be sure, but the mutual desire for adventure and the obscure will connect us all forever. As we move our separate ways we hope our paths cross again in the future, and for most people I have met down here, I'd wager they will...and in some cases, often.

I have learned a lot about myself this season as well. Not only have I been on the adventure of a lifetime but I've ventured deeper into myself to discover more of who I am. I've allowed myself to open up in a way that I haven't done in a long time. I have found things about myself that I should improve and work on, and other aspects that I now realize I need to let shine more often. I need to stop seeing myself a certain way, and stop thinking that others see me a certain way, and except the fact that I am me, and you know what, that's ok. I know my resolve, I know my foundation and my capabilities, and I need to stand strong with those and I will get along just fine.

I've fallen in love, and let it go. I've hugged, and kissed, and cuddled, and danced. I've smiled and laughed everyday, I've gone outside of my comfort zone and made friends, I have helped others through hard times and they have made mine better. I've stayed up all night talking, slept all day, and done it all over again. I've drank like we had no more time to, and felt the repercussions of it but also managed to continue to get better all around.

I've seen an endless day draw to it's close and see the sky set ablaze in flashes of orange, red, blue and white while I squint into the sun to feel it's warmth. Experienced clouds that nowhere else in the world you could ever find. Soft strokes of white dancing like lace through the endless blue canvas above. I've felt the sting of wind that will make tears stream from your eyes then freeze those very tears to your cheek. I've had an arm wrapped around me while I share an amazing moment with someone who cares about me, as we stare out at an abundance of mountains, ice, snow, sky and breathtaking beauty. Watched from windows when the sun hides behind those mountains only to cast it's light out with more strength and light up glaciers and ice like windows to heaven.

I've seen whales, penguins and seals in abundance. I've seen 1,200 faces become familiar, and now I watch most of those faces move on to their next journey and I sit here waiting for mine. I have faith that I'll see most of them again, at the very least when they return next summer, and if not, on some other adventure.

I can say that I have loved this place, what it's done for me, what it's allowed me to be a part of, and what it will continue to be long after I've gone. I wait with excitement to see what this next season has in store for me, and hopefully I continue to grow, to become a stronger person, a member of a community that means more then what most people think. We have each other, and that's all we have, 160 people for the next 6 months. I have faith that we'll be better off for our time together, we will learn from one another and I couldn't imagine a better place to be right now, then right here.

The Me I Once Was

The Me I Once Was

October 28, 2011

I know more then anyone how life can throw you curve balls, how events can change you, and how sometimes, no matter how hard you fight it, it may get the best of you.

There is a sticker here that pretty much sums it up: Damaged Cargo.

Without wanting to sound like a dramatic attention seeker, I know without doubt that my time in Iraq changed me, and not for the better. Cynicism, anger, and frustration became very normal words that could be used to describe me. I couldn't help it, everything could set me off, for no reason at all, and I really did become the worst part of myself.

My move to New Zealand helped me climb out of that trench pretty well. The slow pace of life and the comfort I found in the friends I had helped me to see that life was worth living with a smile on my face rather then an accusatory and cautious scowl. My genuine self started to emerge from the place that it had, for a few years, been hiding. It was the best choice I could have made really, looking back I don't see myself anywhere else during that time, I couldn't imagine myself without my time there.

Just as moving to New Zealand was the right choice, I truly believe that coming here, to the ice, has been the best choice I have made for myself to date. I don't know if it's the small population, the common thread that ties us all together, or the abundance of beauty that takes my breath away, on an almost hourly basis; whatever it is, it was right.

For those that knew me before the war, I think you'll agree, that I was a much different person. Generally always happy, smiling, laughing, and overall a nice person. After though, I got hard, I got tough, or at least I acted like I was. I put on the butch act and ran with it trying to avoid letting people into my world. I have no idea why, but it seemed right, it felt right, and truth be told, I probably hurt some feelings doing so.

Since I have been here I feel like I am back to normal. I feel like the path my life has taken me brought me right back to myself, my real self. Just as the sea is paused here, its like my life was on pause, stuck in a grumpy fake me. Here I laugh, I make friends, I crack jokes, I touch and I hug. If I see you in the galley there is a good chance I will rock up, rub your back and see how your day is going. None of this contact is anything other then genuine friendship, nothing more then that, but it's something that for so long I denied myself, for fear of screwing up some horrible attempt at bad-ass-ness I was trying to fool everyone with.

As I rediscover the happy person I am, I now find myself almost torn between what I once was, what I temporarily was, and who I want to be. When I catch myself getting carried away I shut it down. I have nothing to prove to anyone, I am me, and if they don't like it, it's cool. I'm not going to be mad at someone because I'm not their cup of tea...to each their own.

So I guess the bottom line is that while some may not agree that I was too bad, the truth is that I was still bad enough. I am genuinely excited about my time here, about the people I'll meet, about the me I will become. Hopefully I can carry it on and allow myself to push the attitude I rocked for so long down deep inside never to surface again, and live my life on a happy little buzz, that apparently, exists naturally within myself.  

Birthdays and blizzards

Blizzards and Birthdays

Wednesday Oct 26^th, 2011

3:45PM

Yesterday was my birthday. Generally, I tend to make plans that always fall through on my birthday, so I wasn't really banking on anything major going on down here in celebration. I had invited some friends from Scott Base (Kiwi Base), told a few people I was going to have a PJ Pub crawl, and that was about it.

My day started with egg line, of course. I wasn't very busy at first so I had some time to catch up with some people I had not seen in a few days. One, who's name has escaped me, does the South Pole Traverse. It's a fuel/supply run down to the south pole, I think. Basically, it's a bunch of guys driving all the way across Antarctica, for a month. Nothing around but flat white, being guided by GPS. Totally crazy stuff!!!!

Anyway, I asked him where he had been hiding, and if my eggs were really so bad that he just had decided to flake out on me. We joked, I cooked his 7 eggs, and I told him it was my birthday. He in turn wished me a happy one, of course, and his smile alone set the mood of the day. So genuine, so real, so compassionate. That very smile will remain in my mind forever, I am quite sure of it. Along with many others I received yesterday.

Around lunch time I had to take out the trash. Pretty normal stuff. But when I threw up the door of the loading dock to dump cans, the whole station was in a haze of huge white snow. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, since it is Antarctica, however, it snows very little here in the grand scheme of things. Usually what we get is ice being blown up and around. This was proper fat white fluffy snowflakes. Instantly I reverted back to a 5 year old! I just laughed, jumping up and down, spitting out “it's never snowed on my birthday before!”

Bill, AKA Panda, the guy taking the trash out with me just stood there, laughed and enjoyed the spectacle I was creating. We went back in and finished up work, with many more best of birthday wishes, and our day wrapped up pretty quick. Then it was time to rest up and get ready to go out.

Rest I did, here I am a huge fan of naps. They really are pretty awesome.

I went to one of the bars here called Southern. It's a cool little place really. When you go in early you may as well be in a bar in the middle of nowhere Montana or something because it's a bunch of bearded, old men in plaid and carhartts. It's pretty awesome to see. It was just a few of us that were there so we had a few drinks. Eventually, the gang rocked up, and all in all there were 5 people in the bar that night who were celebrating their birthday. Three from the kitchen, one from supply, and one a Kiwi soldier who is here doing some kind of engineering for a few weeks.

We all just moved about the bar chatting, laughing and celebrating, everyone was mellow and cool, nothing but big smiles and lots of hugs and laughter. All in all, the best that someone can ask for on their birthday. An abundance of genuine love.

Thanks to Snowball....I have friends

KillKenny, Kiwis, and C-17 Pilots.

Part of the fun of this place is the people you meet. While to most of you I may seem traveled, placing me in that same category seems almost sacrilegious in comparison to a majority of the people here. One guy on one of my shuttles has worked on every continent, Antarctica was the last one he needed to step foot on, and has spent the past 5 years as the climbing master for Denali National Park. Others have worked in every imaginable place you could create, doing any job that you could imagine.

I have had the good fortune to meet some really amazing people so far. Even my little group of friends, whom I have been with since Denver, are all very different and have taken totally insane paths through this world. It's no wonder that we all fell off of the map and ended up here together. I couldn't imagine any better people to be with. From someone working for a traveling santa, to a dive instructor living in the Keys, to intellectuals, to chefs and rafting guides. We all are so different that we find ourselves fitting together like a puzzle finally complete.

We have laughed together for each part of this journey thus far. Once the time came for our “bag drag” we goofed off at the air field all decked out in our ECW gear (extreme cold weather) buzzing off our mutual excitement. Also flying with us were members of the military, mostly Air Force, and several participants of Scott Base, the New Zealand ice station. Snowball became an instant star, and I probably became labeled as the biggest geek to ever walk the earth because of his constant presence.

A leg of our journey was a 5 ½ hour flight on a C-17 from New Zealand to here. The crew was US Air Force, some National Guard, some full time, all cool. After a few hours they opened up the cockpit for us each to go up into and check out. True to form, I brought Snowball with me. We were lucky, we were sat in the second row, so we were able to move around rather freely and check everything out. A few Kiwi's sat behind me whom I shared frequent smiles with, being too big of a coward to just strike up a conversation, although with the engine and the ear plugs a conversation would have been a bit difficult.

We landed, we freaked out at the beauty, we settled in, and we went to work the next day. I work the AM shift, so 430am-230pm. Every other day or two I work the egg line. Fresh eggs, omelets and scrambles made for the growing population. I've learned a few names, and thanks to name tags, they all seem to know mine. One morning, a super cute clean cut guy says to me, “Julie, how are you? You're awfully quiet this morning.” I laughed and told him I was busy thinking about all the cool things I was going to do on my day off the next day. We started talking and I asked what exactly he did down here. He was a C-17 Pilot.

No Shit!? Was about all I could manage to say. “Were you my pilot?” I asked, “I don't know, when did you get here?” was his reply. “I have no idea” was my honest answer haha. He asked if I got to tour a cockpit on my flight in and I told him that not only did I get inside, but my stuffed bunny Snowball also got to check it out. Suddenly he burst out laughing, “I totally remember you!!” Snowball, the famous world traveler makes another friend. Today he told me it was his time to go, they rotate for about 6 weeks then return to their permanent duty station. It was sad news to be sure. I had grown used to having him around, and our wee chats in the morning, sharing jokes as we pass each other in the halls. I still don't know his name, I know he was a Major, so I always just called him Sir. Last night I told him I still found it really weird to have the conversations I did with him because of his rank, I couldn't quite get it out of my head. His crew just laughed, told me it was ok, and that they too had a hard time with it but it was all good. Hopefully some of his crew will still be around. So today at lunch, when he told me he was leaving, I ran upstairs and got Snowball so I could take a picture of them all together, and they loved it! Haha.

As mentioned, Scott Base is the Kiwi polar station, it's only about a 10 minute drive away, or an hour and a half hike. It's a tenth of the size of McMurdo, and while we currently have a population of about 850, they sit at 58. The Kiwi's can come here anytime they want, but we need an invitation to visit them. On Thursdays they have American night at their pub, so last night a few of us decided to go check it out. Wow! So different!!

Our base is set up much like a small town, lots of buildings with roads and stop signs, recycling dumpsters, loaders, heavy equipment everywhere. Scott base is a jigsaw puzzle of converted mil-vans, connected by hallways, on the edge of the water like us, but with a much better view. The other day a few of their chefs came to visit us in the kitchen to check it out, and a tall skinny guy saw me and stopped, then yells, oh yeah hey! I remember you. I was in the process of taking out the trash so I offered him my wrist to shake as a substitute for the hand he offered me. I'm James he chirped, I remember you from the flight! And your wee bunny. (snowball strikes again) So you need an invite to go to their base outside of American night, and everyone is quite keen to spend some time over there, so I was pretty stoked, when on my second or third day of work, while taking out the trash, the new chef James yells in my direction once I returned from taking out the trash, Oh yeah, Julie gets an invite for sure! All I hear was my name and invite though so I turned and waited for someone to explain what just happened. We all just sort of looked at each other. I was like what? And one of my bosses said don't worry about it, we're just talking about you. I just laughed, said ok, and returned to work.

I must have made a decent impression because while at Scott Base last night a guy who I had never met asked, hey you're a chef yeah? I've heard about you. Haha I was like how the hell have you heard about me? Apparently one of their chefs thought my little display of misunderstanding while taking out the trash was funny to her, and her and I had talked a bit in the bar earlier. She gave me a tour of their kitchen, which is TINY compared to ours, and most restaurant kitchens really. I asked if it would be cool if I came by sometime on my day off to cook with her and she was well keen.

So we all hung out, drank beers, met new people, and enjoyed ourselves. They are notorious for having a better beer selection then us and true to legend that they did. KillKenny in a can, but KillKenny none the less. I spotted the beer I loved just after I noticed the tall handsome Kiwi that I shared smiles with on the plane. And of course, I was too much of a coward to just go up and talk with him. So I popped around the bar, having fun with my friends, making new ones, and eventually just rocked up and was like hey mate, remember me?

He did, we properly introduced ourselves and our job descriptions and such, and he asked where snowball was, hahaha, snowball strikes again. So we talked, and I met another woman who has worked with him for a few years, but who is American from Montana. They will leave on Sunday to a field camp 500 miles away out in the middle of nowhere until February. As the KillKennys continued down smooth my words became a bit smoother, as well as my delivery haha.

Hope this doesn't become habit!

The Best of Intentions

The Best of Intentions:

I set out on this journey with the best of intentions to write as often as possible, to make an effort to show all of you the beauty of this place through what was written. Clearly that has been rather difficult to do. Not difficult because of other things taking priority, not because of work or being crazy out of control busy, rather, I find it difficult to put into words what I see. This place was obviously created to be seen, and nothing else.

I can take a picture of the mountains, of the ice, of the snow, the sky; anything. I can write about all that I see, in the most acute detail, making it very clear, but truth be told it would never do it justice. If God created the heavens and the earth then He created this place as His refuge.

A piercing wind can howl through the sky carrying with it flutters of snow and ice that sting your face and burn your eyes, your ears can quite literally freeze in seconds, and your skin will remain wind chapped and red for the next hour as a result. The sky is often gray and hidden, casting a dim light on the white which you see all around you. Mountains surround us attempting to break free from the ice baring their brown skin of dirt and rock, an effort almost wasted, except for the brown burlap that seems to be beneath the snow on an occasional mountain.

The other day I walked to Hut Point. It's a shelter that was built 100 years ago for those who sailed in and chose to stay and explore. The walk alone was beautiful, getting out of our little town and seeing more of the surrounding beauty. As the sun will never go all the way down while we are here, the sky looked like an early summer afternoon, with oranges and purples in the sky and bright white clouds glowing in the sun. The snow crunched beneath our feet as we walked the short walk to the edge of our world. From the hut you can see the sea ice, locked in place with the cold, still as anything I have ever seen. I took a short detour up a little ridge off to the right, to see the view from a bit of a higher vantage point. As the crunch of ice and snow was present, and the fog of my breath clouded my sunglasses, when I reached the top of the hill my breath left me, my heart stopped, and I felt God.

A vast expanse of ocean lay before me, with white mountains in the distance, the sun shining off of the ice and suddenly I knew what real beauty was. The only sound was the wind in my ears, and the sound of ice hitting my jacket. The world stood still. You could see the currents and tides trapped in the ice, the sea clearly fighting its perpetual stillness. The world had been put on pause. Farther off to the right was an area of ice that was shooting up from the flat surface, what I now know to be pressure ridges, areas of the ice that have been pushed farther and farther up from the ice shelf due to water underneath it's surface. When not frozen it would be a beach, now it was just a rough cove of softly coated sharp ice.

It's dry, it's harsh, its windy, and obviously, it's cold; it is also one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I haven't gotten out much, I haven't seen all the sights yet, but the adventure is calling me, I can hear it ring in my ears, I can feel it's pull on my senses.

This truly is a place that is meant to be seen, to be felt, to be experienced at a level that will impact you, that will change you, that will help you to find yourself. One can't see what I see everyday and not feel something, not be amazed, not feel humbled.

Soon the winds will slow, the snow and ice will melt, and the true adventure will begin. And I can't wait.

Rollin Down the Strip

Tuesday October 4^th, 11:00

Rollin Down the Strip:

As much as I love New Zealand I have to admit that I am quite glad to be leaving it. We enjoyed our time there, and filled it with as much fun stuff as we could find, and afford, but we are all here for a greater goal, Antarctica.

We meandered around Christchurch for the first few days, got issued gear, did the normal stuff, and upon the 615 bag drag were informed that we were delayed another 3 hours. 3 hours later we were told our flight was canceled. One more day to entertain ourselves.

Our kitchen crew, plus one (an electrician), all went out to breakfast, were treated like rock stars, went whiskey/scotch tasting, then went bowling. Good times. Grabbed some dinner, went back to our hotels where we once again went over our bags, started movies respectively and probably passed out 15 minutes into them.

This morning we made it.

Now I find myself on a forward facing seat in the second row of a C-17. A bag lunch has been issued to each of us, including the reserve crew who is operating the flight. With a very entertaining safety display, much like that on a commercial airliner, but with some goofy ginger exaggerating every movement, we found ourselves rolling down the flight line. I held back the desire to start singing C-130 Rolling Down the strip. So, we are at cruising altitude, reading, writing or sleeping, and eagerly awaiting our destination, meanwhile, with the best seat in town because the radio man is sitting right in front of us, facing towards us, and man is he hot. Haha

The kitchen so far though seems like it's going to be a very eclectic and fun group of people that really should have no issues at all getting along. Hopefully that is the case and we don't find ways to bother each other to new levels.

So, I suppose I will just kick back, find a way to entertain myself, and pray we don't boomerang, which is get all the way there and have to turn back due to some unforeseen event that we weren't aware of until we attempt our decent. The record of boomerangs is 7, that's 7 ten hour flights, no thank you. But like I said, at least I have a good view.

Flying

September 30, 2011; 8:40PM

For someone who travels as much as I seem to, you'd think I would be better at flying.

We are on a little two seat, per side plane, that seems to be hitting speed bumps in the sky like a little kid learning how to skateboard; hitting every pebble on the sidewalk. Not a fan.

After 7 hours at Denver International, we are finally on our plane. An hour delay, and several extra beers later (not within that hour, I mean overall) we are finally on our way to LA. I am pretty much horrified at the fact that I still need to land three more times, and take off two more times, before I get to be still and not have to worry about my somewhat recently acquired phobia.

As I look around the cabin everyone seems to be totally ok with the fact that we are popping around left and right in the air. Although, after all these miles I have covered in the sky, I know I don't have to worry until they call of the beverage service, so far we are all good.

It does make it worth it though, when you get the chance to look out the window and see the world in a steady calm that seems so unlike the reality on the ground. Little villages of light tucked into blackness below, and random stars above that have led explorers in the past and are there to remind you that it will all be alright. With the steady pace of music in my ear and my eyes closed tight I will eventually wake to find that it is indeed all over, and I am standing on the continent that so few have, and that I have dreamt about for so long.